


Rue

by wasteofchances



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, yujaetae for the fuking win
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 18:30:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16816102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wasteofchances/pseuds/wasteofchances
Summary: “You know.” He gently tucked Taeyong ’s hair behind his ear. “This pretty face is only reserved for you.”And Taeyong met Jaehyun halfway, with a shy smile forming on his lips. “I know.”





	Rue

The bar tonight is not as lavish as Jaehyun had expected it to be. He politely greets the host when he enters the room mustering up the sweetest smile he can. Once he has gone through every accord of greeting his grandfather had taught him to act out at these gatherings, he makes his way to the bar. It's about 22-feet long, placed exactly in the center of the room with its marble-like white exterior and golden stools. It looks like an egg cracked in half, except it’s less oval and more round. A circle of tall stools is orbiting near the counter of the bar. Two bartenders are moving inside the egg from one side to the other, mixing fluids in the extravagant way the bartenders do.

When Jaehyun had accompanied his grandfather to his first party at the ripe age of 21 he had been introduced to a culture that seemed so indifferent to him. But again, his indifference isn’t limited to only a handful of things – something captivating his attention and holding it is a rare occurrence. Every person he had met that night, he had found obnoxiously boring. Their empty eyes along with the laughter that didn't quite reach their eyes freaked him out. All of them looked hollow to him – just bodies walking around, stuffed with mass but no emotion. It took Jaehyun close to ten years to realize that he was no different from them, then and now, as well. His grandfather, though, was a complete opposite, the shine in his eyes and his hearty laughter kept him company through every dull party.

His grandfather, regardless of Jaehyun's distaste towards these gatherings, dragged him out every Saturday night and kept him out hours past his curfew. No matter how many parties he went to, his indifferent behaviour towards them never changed; it just grew.

They were always the same; they still are. Every single one of them; from the Chateau Lafitte being passed around in tulip-shaped glasses to appetizers the size of his thumb being served on extravagantly plated platters, to the shiny wardrobe of each guest. Most importantly, their nonsensical political chatter which results in them stubbly throwing comments at each other, tied with pure bitterness, jealousy, and envy. They're all the same according to Mark. Jaehyun doesn’t know what any of those emotions actually feel like.

Jaehyun had lost all his interest and fascination towards these parties about a decade ago. As a 31-year-old, everything about them bores him to death. Nonetheless, he still goes to every single one of them, never having the courage or energy to turn down an invitation.

To him, it's an escape.

An escape from his warm loft that still rings of cold memories, continually disrupting his solitude. He dissolves himself in expensive liquor and voices of people he doesn't care for. It easier to exist this way, he thinks.

He has planned out an intricate series of actions that are to be carried out in the precise order in which they've been written down. A grave expression, depicting anger and emptiness at the same time, followed by loud loose steps that portray heaviness, and lastly, positioning himself in the center of the seating arrangement of the open bar. So he's simultaneously the center of attention and the center of neglect. Each action will save him from the burden of making eye contact and/or engaging in a conversation with anyone who is aware of his status and wealth.

Tonight is no different. He has positioned himself on a bar stool, eyes wandering from the wine glass placed in front of him to the counter of the bar where extravagant cocktail, flute and shot glasses are lined in neat rows. In the center of the bar is an open pillar, each side of it is divided into long spacey sections that are housing heavy bottles of fancy and disgustingly expensive fluids. A clock hangs above all the liquor.

"Need a refill?"

The voice drags Jaehyun’s attention away from the pillar. It's the bartender. Jaehyun recognizes him immediately, mostly because his baby-like face and deer eyes make it impossible for anyone to forget him. 

Jaehyun stares at his cynical smile for a second and then looks at his glass. He hasn't touched it since he sat down. It's a joke. He gives the bartender a loopy smile.

"Yes," he says in a flat tone with a hint of amusement. "Refill it with something sweet."

"Yes, sir."

The bartender immediately lifts the tulip-shaped glass and places an empty hurricane glass in front of him. Jaehyun's gaze follows the bartender's sharp movements. He watches him bounce a bottle that is probably heavier than him in his hand and drop the fluid into a metal mixer. He repeats the action twice with 2 different bottles then fills the metal glass to the top with crushed ice. Then, within a blink of an eye, the glass in front of Jaehyun is filled with a satisfying peach colored drink.

"Ta-Da!" The bartender pushes the glass toward him.

Jaehyun has a fleeting vision of a memory he hasn't recalled in a long time.

_Jaehyun had been massaging his half-numb legs for the past 10 minutes. He had been sitting on a very uncomfortable stool with no back support for almost an hour, eyes scanning a sea of velvet suits and evening gowns for his grandfather. Right when he was about to get up, a man sat next to him and spoke up._

_"Do you smoke?"_

_Jaehyun stared at the man's face – his beautiful face – in utter confusion. His eyes immediately fell on the man's lips – they looked as delicate as a primrose. He tried to bring himself back to the matter at hand. They made eye contact for a brief second and Jaehyun swore his entire body went cold and his stomach heaved up to his throat._

_He inched his face a little closer with an open mouth and blinked several times to let the man know he had made the horrible mistake of not listening to him the first time. Thus, made a very awkward first impression. The man repeated himself a little loudly._

_"Do you smoke?"_

_Jaehyun, with his mouth still open, immediately shook his head. The man gave him a small smile and settled down on the stool next to Jaehyun. A very awkward minute passed by them in silence. The man spoke up again._

_"My name is Lee Taeyong ," he said with a friendly smile. Jaehyun was a bit struck; he had never seen a proper human smile at these parties. Anyone who ever greeted him only nodded with pressed lips. It filled him with mild shock. Mark would have probably passed out._

_"My name is Jung Jaehyun." Unable to move because of his predicament, Jaehyun bowed his head._

_"So," Taeyong turned his body a little towards him. "Who's responsible for your miserable state?"_

_Jaehyun had let out a breathy laugh, then quickly scanned the crowd. His eyes landed on his grandfather. He leaned towards Taeyong ._

_"You see that old man with the thick glasses and sharp nose?"_

_Taeyong nodded._

_"That's my grandfather. He dragged me here." Jaehyun straightened his posture._

_"You see the man standing behind your grandfather?" Taeyong said._

_Jaehyun followed his gaze to a man wearing a floral suit and a charming smile. "Yeah, is that your brother?"_

_"No, I don't know who that man is. But the woman standing next to him." Jaehyun averted his gaze to a woman wearing a bright red dress. With her chromatic dress and bright smile, Jaehyun felt bewildered. How had he not noticed her? When he had been scanning that particular part of the crowd for almost an hour._

_"Do you see her?"_

_Jaehyun had let out a closed-mouthed affirmation._

_"That's my mom."_

_For some reason, Jaehyun couldn’t place them together as blood-related relatives or as anything._

_"She guilt tripped me here," Taeyong had said with a smile._

_"Oh."_

_As neither of them had anything to add to their small conversational exchange, the awkwardness had returned._

_"So," Taeyong said again._

_Jaehyun moved his eyes from the glass in front of him to Taeyong . He thought, or he had imagined, a hint of familiar redness from the wine on Taeyong s cheeks. He was blushing._

_"Would you like a drink?"_

_Jaehyun huffed out a laugh. "If you can figure out what I like, then sure."_

_Taeyong clapped his hands together and pointed towards the bar. "We have an open bar and a night free of burden, shall we?"_

_Jaehyun gave him an enthusiastic smile followed by a slight nod. After the exchange of mutual approval, Taeyong had placed both his hands on the counter of the bar and called for the bartender. They went through over half the bar and all of the bartender’s patience. Taeyong narrated weird mixes of expensive liquor and pickled fruit to the bartender. The bartender only made one glass of each weird mix because wasting expensive alcohol is an appalling thing to do._

_Luhan, the bartender, apparently knew Taeyong . Jaehyun had made that assumption based on their casual exchanges, devoid of lingering or any formality at all._

_Luhan carefully placed 10 different sets of glasses in front of them and proceeded to playfully fill each with_ _a different drink. It had only taken him about 15 minutes to fill up the entire row of glasses and when he was done, Taeyong had, not so discreetly, handed him a generous tip._

_"Well." Taeyong rubbed his hands together. "Which would you like to try first?"_

_Jaehyun eyed the small old-fashioned glass in front of him and then looked at Taeyong for approval. Taeyong , in response, gave him an optimistic smile. "Neat."_

_He heard Luhan sigh and huff out something along the lines of, "How many times do I have to listen to this?"_

_It had taken him close to a minute to understand that it was a joke - the drink he choose was called Whiskey Neat. He suppressed a smile as he picked up the glass. One sip and the drink drowned his smile after the bitterness of it had hit him a second later. He coughs loudly, in the hope of spitting out the bitterness. He places the glass on the counter, harshly than he had intended to and reaches over the counter for a bottle of water. After chugging down a few big sips, the bitterness lingers but Jaehyun can feel his tongue again._

_"Weak," Luhan says, as he drowns whatever's left in the old fashioned glass and starts cleaning it._

_"I'm not weak, you gave me acid to drink. How is that alcohol?" Jaehyun says exasperatedly, while giving Luhan a pointed look._

_"Ah, Jaehyun-ssi, it's okay. We have nine more drinks to go through," Taeyong says._

_Something about Taeyong 's tone immediately calms him. The anger leaves his body, threading the bitter taste with it._

_He goes through 8 more drinks and none had settle with his traditional taste. With a hazy drunkenness taking over him, he slowly averts his eyes from Taeyong to his watch. Where did two hours go?_

_Between careful sips of alcohol, adjusting to Taeyong 's horrible humour, his charismatic smile, and Luhan's witty remarks on everything, Jaehyun can't recall anything._

_"Come on champ," Taeyong says, "You have one more left." He pushes the glass towards him._

_Jaehyun lifts his gaze from his watch and looks at the hurricane glass sitting in front of him. He lifts his face up from the counter, without moving the rest of his body and purses his lips around the straw. He takes a reluctant yet mindful sip. With his mouth still on the straw, he looks up. Both, Luhan and Taeyong , are staring at him tentatively; jaws clenched, eyebrows raised to the ceiling. He drops his gaze on the drink and swallows the whole thing in seconds._

_"WE FINALLY HAVE A WINNER," Taeyong yells while patting his back. A sheepish smile forms on Jaehyun’s face. He feels lucid yet obscure and with a strong mix of alcohol lingering in the air, they drink the night away._

"You remember me?" Jaehyun looks at Luhan questioningly. It has been a good 3 years since Jaehyun last saw him.

Luhan smirks while cleaning a cocktail glass. "Of course, I do. That's your favourite drink, right?"

 _‘It used to be,’_ Jaehyun thinks, but doesn't say out loud. The drink sits in front of him, staring at him trying to plunge memories laced with serenity and vivacity out of him. The longer he stares at it the more memories unfold within his mind.

"Don't you look happy?" Luhan says with his infamous contemptuous smile.

"Don't I always?" he replies, mimicking Luhan's smile.

"I haven't seen your pretty face in a long time, where did you disappear off to?"

"I enlisted." If Jaehyun knows any better, and he does, he's sure Luhan already is aware of this piece of information.

"So, when did you get out?"

"A few months ago."

A silence falls between them, with neither having much to interrogate or answer. Jaehyun looks at the drink sitting in front of them. The sight of it makes his throat dry. He watches Luhan move inside the egg with fast paced movements while juggling a heavy bottle of liquor in one hand and a glass or a cocktail mixer in the other.

"So, have you contacted anyone since you got out?" Luhan asks.

Both of them know the answer to this, Luhan’s charm and unnecessary curiosity had made him a perfect product of socializing at these events, but Jaehyun decides to play along anyway.

"No one but Mark. I kind of lost everyone’s contact info right after enlisting. Eun-ssi threw out most of my stuff without asking me. All I'm left with now is a mattress owned by my great grand-father."  
  
Jaehyun's self-inabilities have always made it impossible for him to understand what anyone feels towards him which results in him lacking enough senses to read people. As Luhan stares at him for more than a few seconds, he can’t tell whether Luhan can see right through his lie or is expecting him to be the first to give in. Whatever judgement Luhan is forming about him right now doesn’t matter to him. He didn’t see the point in calling anyone after his enlistment had ended.   


**_He_** probably changed his number. Jaehyun hasn’t seen him around at any of these parties in months, even though his enlistment ended about the same time as Jaehyuns did.

  
“He’s not in the city right now,” Luhan says.

Jaehyun’s gaze stays fixated on the glass in front him. He doesn’t move, stopping himself from doing anything that would lead Luhan to believe that he has ever had a 'humane' side.

“He’s with his family in Gwacheon.”   


Questions sit on Jaehyun’s quivering lips but he doesn’t say a word. He finally gives in and nurses the lump in his throat with the drink Luhan had made for him.   


“Well, 8 years of experience and this is still the only drink you’re mediocre-ly good at making,” Jaehyun says, forcing a smile. Luhan doesn’t comment on the shift in the topic of conversation. He tilts his head and gives him a smirk instead. 

“Sorry to disappoint you but this isn’t the only thing I’ve been doing for the past 8 years.”   


Jaehyun quirks his brow.“Really?”

Luhan toys with the ring on his finger. “Yeah, I—”

”You got married?!” Jaehyun places the glass on the counter as Luhan waves his hand in front of him so he can get a closer look. Bubbles of delirium erupt in his stomach till his gaze settles on the number engraved on the ring.

_160812._

An image of Taeyong flashes before his eyes. The motor response dissolves in his stomach, leaving behind an acid like taste that crawls all the way up to his throat.

_“Do you even care?” Taeyong turned toward him. A long silence stretched between them, inflating every course of action on either's behalf that has led them to this point in Jaehyun’s mind._

_“Do you?” Taeyong half yelled, his voice and posture, once dripping with gentleness, seemed indifferent to the softness they used to carry. “Can you at least look at me?” The anger in his tone immediately replaced with a plea for even the smallest act of intimacy from the younger man._

_Jaehyun dragged his gaze away from the marble floor and slowly looked at Taeyong . He stood next to their bed, with his tie tightly clutched in his right hand. Jaehyun, without thinking his actions through, dared to look at Taeyong s face. His primrose lips quivered with every uneven breath they let out, his slow blinks moved his entire head with them. His whole face was crimson and tear stained._ _Jaehyun stared, as if he couldn’t get enough of how beautiful Taeyong looked, like his entire being was just an embodiment of all the hidden wonders of the world. With the flutter of his lashes and as drops of celestial beauty leaked through his eyes, Jaehyun learned a new detail about him. He wondered how his attention hadn’t gone to it when it had been there the whole time. There was nothing about him that didn’t captivate Jaehyun’s attention._

_Even in a state so brutally vulnerable, Jaehyun thought Taeyong had never looked lovelier. But he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t say anything. The weariness on Taeyong s face made Jaehyun’s heart feel heavy with a burden he couldn’t name. He found the heaviness altogether disturbing and uncomfortable. It made him want to disassociate himself from the entire situation._ _  
But he couldn’t._

_Because Taeyong deserved better. He deserved to know._

"Whose wonderful soul have you entrapped through poorly witted remarks?" Jaehyun asks, cradling the cocktail glass in his right hand.

Luhan actually laughs this time, his hearty laugh echoes around them. He watches Luhan tame his expression by pressing his palms to his cheeks, as if that would make him stop smiling altogether – _how foolish,_ Jaehyun thought. Jaehyun spies contentment in his speech and mannerism. “His name is Minseok and I met him in university."

"You went to back to school?"

Luhan nods proudly.

Jaehyun takes a sip of his drink and hums it down. "Fascinating, I had no idea they had graduate schools to professionally teach you how to be a dumbass."

Luhan gives him a soft smile. “As appealing as that sounds, I went for something more practical.”

“Really?” Jaehyun says.

“Sociological psychology.”

“That’s amazing. How did you meet you’re one and only?” Jaehyun gives him a dreamy look.

Luhan lets out a breathy laugh, “First year, Chinese. He asked around for a tutor and I offered. After a while we concluded that we found each other tolerable so we should be friends.”

“And now you two are married?” Jaehyun gushes. Crimson starts showing up on Luhan’s cheeks and Jaehyun feels a sense of longing – as though half of his existence is missing.

Luhan nods while making drinks. Someone calls for him and he moves onto them.

A few minutes later he comes back to Jaehyun with a shot glass in one hand and his cell phone in the other hand. Jaehyun’s eyes follow him as he places the glass next to the mini crowd of shot glasses below the counter and his phone on the counter. He points at the empty cocktail glass and quirks his brow.

Jaehyun gives him a slight nod and within a blink, Luhan grabs his glass and replaces it with a clean one. A minute later the glass is filled with the same peachy coloured drink. Luhan slides his phone along with the drink toward him. Jaehyun's gaze lands on the phone that's brightly displaying a picture of Luhan with another man; he makes the wild assumption that he is Minseok.

"Is that him?" Jaehyun asks anyway.

Luhan beams at Jaehyun's mild interest. "Yes, that's him. He's actually here tonight."

"Really?!Where is he?" Jaehyun feels bubbles of curiosity pop inside him – is this excitement that he feels? “Is that him?” He points at a pink haired man working behind Luhan. Luhan follows Jaehyun’s finger and turns to meet his view.

“No, that’s Yuta!” Luhan turns back to Jaehyun “You remember him, right?”

It takes Jaehyun a minute but he does remember him, in fact he remembers meeting the man last week when his hair was jet black.

“Oh yeah, I do, his hair was darker last week.”

Luhan communicates his curiosity with the quirk of his brow.

“What?” Jaehyun stares at him, is Luhan implying that him and Yuta are–, “He works at these parties a lot and I always end up leaving late and he just happens to be the only person nice enough to call a cab for me.” Jaehyun folds his arms and presses them against his chest, as if they’re some sort of shield that will protect him from Luhan’s confrontation.

Jaehyun knows Luhan wants to question him further but thankfully he doesn’t.

"Minseok is working the first floor." Luhan shifts the conversation.

"That's sad. Societal norms and demands have already kept you two apart for centuries already and now this."

Luhan suppresses a smile. Jaehyun stares at the picture again. Luhans pressing his lips on Minseok's cheeks and the other's obnoxious smile is spreading from his lips to his eyes. Luhan and Minseok were probably on their honeymoon when they took this, they look bemused and, in Jaehyuns personal opinion, disgustingly happy. Jaehyun turns away before the pictures make him queasy.

“What are you still doing here then?” Jaehyun asks.

“Well, unlike you and everyone else here, I have to pay for my very _expensive_ education myself.”

Jaehyun smiles at that. “I’m proud of you.”

Luhan, thorough out the next hour, repeatedly comes to him with the few seconds he has to spare and talks about Minseok. Between huffs and complicated hand movements, Jaehyun learns about their love. While he narrates everything he can, Jaehyun takes note of that obvious affection painted all over Luhan’s face. It forms an unsettling feeling in his gut.

When Luhan isn’t there, Jaehyun cradles his drink and dissolves himself into the mindless chatter. A weak attempt to numb his thoughts but it doesn’t work. The look of fondness threaded with a hint of embarrassment, the over exaggerated stories about their endeavours, the blinding smile on Luhan’s face when he speaks of a moment of pure love shared between them– it _feels_ all too familiar.

Before his thoughts jab a bulldozer at the wall he has built around the memories he doesn’t want to recall, Luhan pops up in front of him.

“I didn’t leave my phone on the counter for no reason. Are you even looking at the pictures, Jaehyun?” Luhan pushes his upper body over the counter, a weak attempt to be dramatic.

Jaehyun picks up the phone. “Of course, I am.”

“Sure,” Luhan rolls his eyes before making his exit. Jaehyun goes through his camera roll, trying to ignore the icky-ness running through his veins. After going through about two albums and 6 long sips of his cocktail, Jaehyun comes across a picture of **him**. He taps on the picture for details. It’s from January and it was taken in **_Dotonbori_**. Jaehyun feels his brain short circuit. 

_“Paris has fine theatres, too, you’ll love them, come on.” Jaehyun reached for Taeyong ’s hand and laced their fingers. Taeyong hadn’t taken note of it, still stuck in his current dilemma._

_“Yeah, but Dotonbori has finer ones,” Taeyong whined._

_Jaehyun stopped walking and gave Taeyong a pointed look. “Really? Finer than Paris?”_

_“You know what I mean.” Taeyong lightly stomped his foot on the ground, like he does when his thoughts don’t translate well through words. “They have finer restaurants too, you know. The whole street is filled with visual art, it’s beautiful.”_

_“Really? I have never heard you say that ever.” Jaehyun gave him a sly smile._

_“Don’t act clever, I could abandon you right now and leave you to find your way to the hotel through ‘Bonjour’ and ‘Excusez-moi’,” Taeyong said with overly dramatized hand gestures._

_Jaehyun pressed his lips. “My French is fine.”_

_Taeyong folded his arms and pressed them against his chest. “You know exactly two words in French.”_

_“I’ll get by just fine. What do you think this pretty face is for?”_

_A slight change in Taeyong ’s posture dusted off the smugness on Jaehyun’s face._

_“We’ll go to Dontonbori in spring, I promise,” Jaehyun says, he pulled Taeyong closer to him, hands still linked._

_Taeyong only nods._  
  
For the remainder of their trip Jaehyun stuck to Taeyong like glitter to skin. On their last morning in Paris, Jaehyun and Taeyong spent their last hours in their hotel suite. Between tangled sheets, messy hair, and the exchange of morning breaths, Jaehyun confessed his love for Taeyong in the most unconventional way. 

_“You know.” He gently tucked Taeyong ’s hair behind his ear. “This pretty face is only reserved for you.”_

_And Taeyong met Jaehyun halfway, with a shy smile forming on his lips. “I know.”_

_Across their bed in their shared wardrobe, hung Jaehyun’s trench coat which carried the weight of a diamond engagement ring. Jaehyun thought, maybe this spring their love will flourish like fresh cherry blossom – beautifully and boldly._

Jaehyun let out an uneven sigh, a tap on the counter pulled him out of his trance. Luhan was looking at him with a look he couldn’t read or couldn’t be bothered to read.

“He grew out his hair. I always told him he’d look nicer with longer hair.” Jaehyun places the phone on the counter. “And he does.”

He slides the phone to its rightful owner and gulps down the last sip of his drink. The light air between them suddenly stills. Jaehyun feels a rage of some sort or maybe it’s just his thick suit that’s making every fibre of his being boil.

Luhan offers a resolution in the form of a 6 letter word. “Refill?”

Jaehyun places his glass on the counter as a consideration.

Luhan places a fruit cocktail with extra rum in front of Jaehyun.

He takes a sip and says, “I have to say, I don’t know where you got the idea from but I approve of this method of apologizing.” Luhan laughs in relief.

A second later when Jaehyun looks at Luhan’s face, it’s stricken with apprehension. It’s as if horror has pushed his mouth and eye wide open.

“Luhan?” Jaehyun calls for the older man’s attention but the latter doesn’t budge.

He tentatively places his hand on Luhans arm and repeats his action with an added shake which jolts the older man into reality.

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asks, as if even the slightest gesture might hurt the other man.

“Yes! Yes, yes, I’m fine, whydoyouask?”Luhan rushes out.

“Because your face just lost all its colour.”

“That’s a great way of making me feel insecure about my paleness.”

The look on Luhan’s face makes curiosity prickle through Jaehyun. He follows Luhan’s gaze but before he can catch a glance of what made Luhan react the way he did, the older man stops him.

“What are you doing?” Luhan half yells.

“Taking a peak,” Jaehyun says nonchalantly.

“Of what?”

Jaehyun shares a confused look with him. He makes another attempt to catch a glance. “I don’t—“

Luhan reaches over the counter and grabs both his shoulders and spins Jaehyun. Their gazes meet, both sharing an intense distraught look. “—know because you won’t let me look.” Jaehyun senses a hint of frustration in his voice and softens immediately.

“If you stay still, for like, 10 minutes I’ll....” The excessive movement of Luhan’s eyes makes Jaehyun feel dizzy. “I’ll let you drink over half the bar! Deal?!”

“I don’t think it’s humanly possible to drink wood.” Jaehyun tries to wiggle his way out of Luhan’s hold but it only gives Luhan more reason to tighten it.

“Don’t act clever.” He spits.

“Fine, I’ll stay still,” Jaehyun mutters.

Luhan sighs in relief. “I’ll get you started then, gimme a second.”

Luhan turns and so does Jaehyun.

The sight that appears in front of him is unexpected to say the least.

It’s **_him_**. And he’s not alone.

Jaehyun stares at their fingers laced together for a second more before Luhan spins him around. He’s met with Luhan’s deer-eyes dripping with wrath.

“I told you not to turn. Why does no one listen to me?” He sets down a 2 bottles of vodka and 2 shot glasses on the counter, a little too aggressively. The sound makes Jaehyun flinch.

“You remember that I like peach flavoured vodka?”

“Of course, I do. You love peach flavoured anything,” Luhan says with a steady voice while still pilling shot glasses on the counter.

“Who are you pulling out all these glasses for?”

Luhan places both his hands on the counter and gives him a pointed look. Jaehyun thinks, given the current situation, that if Luhan spread his arms a little more and directed all his frustration toward his hands and the table, he could actually move the counter by a smidgen.

Jaehyun just stares at him, having nothing to say. His mind is currently too crowded with the urge to turn and look at Taeyong again. One more glance, just one more look at his face. But that wouldn’t be okay. He’s here with someone else. If Jaehyun gets caught looking at them, one of them might take notice. Or worse, they’ll come over to _talk_.

Jaehyun hunches his body toward the bar and lowers his head. He can’t meet Taeyong like this. After two years of moping and fighting every urge to call him and stalk him; of existing instead of living, using lingering memories of Taeyong to bring some sort of serenity into his life.

He can’t meet Taeyong like this.

Half drunk.

At a bar.

And _alone._

Luhan casts an anxiety filled glance over his friend. Jaehyun senses the worry but doesn’t act on it. There’s only one way to make this more tolerable for him and amicable for everyone in this room –alcohol. He swallows two shots of peach flavoured vodka when Luhan cuts him off.

“Give me 10 minutes. I’ll ask Yuta to cover for me and put you in a cab. You can’t stay here.”

“Why not?” Jaehyun protests.

“Don’t make me say it.”

Jaehyun laughs. “I’ll be fine. You know what, you should drink some of this too.” He makes the grand gesture of picking up a bottle of vodka from across the counter. “It really makes it hard for you to care about anything.”

Before Jaehyun can do anything, Luhan snatches the bottle out of his hand. Unfazed, Jaehyun continues.

“Alcohol is amazing, you know that?” He points his finger at Luhan. “Fuck deep breaths, this is what people should take when they don’t want to feel. But, of course, the last part comes easy to me since I’m an emotionally blind moron.”

Luhan twists open a water bottle and hands it to Jaehyun. “Drink.”

Jaehyun chugs down the whole bottle in one go. While he’s attending to Luhan’s command, he hears the older man call for Yuta. “Take him to the rest room and call him a cab after that, okay?”

“I’m not leaving.” Jaehyun interjects.

“Yes you—”

“No, I’m not.”

There is, in actuality, no reason from him to stay. By this time he’s usually shaking hands with the host and making his way out. But something pushes him to stay. Even though he can’t meet Taeyong like this, he also can’t leave without seeing enough of him. He holds a somewhat firm posture to project the seriousness in his decision. It takes about a minute but Luhan caves.

“Fine, just take him to the rest room but make sure he doesn’t talk to anyone when he’s like this,” Luhan says to Yuta while pointing a finger at Jaehyun.

“Pretty?” Jaehyun covers his cheeks with his hands.

“Pretty and drunk. Now go.” He pushes Yuta out of the egg shell.

Jaehyun’s drunkenness does not alter his alertness. He hangs his head low and avoids contact with anyone and everyone. When Jaehyun relieves himself, Yuta makes a motion to hold him but Jaehyun stops him.

“Are you sure?” Yuta asks, concern obvious in his tone.

“Yeah, I’ll be out in a second,” Jaehyun says. “Ah, Yuta-ssi.” Yuta turns to look at him. “Your hair looks really nice.”

Jaehyun detects a hint of colour on Yuta’s cheeks but dismisses it as nothing immediately. 

Yuta mutters a low thank you to him before he leaves. The pink haired man lingers next to the door for a few seconds before making his exit. Jaehyun sits on the restroom counter with his back against the mirror. When he closes his eyes, a brief image of Taeyong flashes through his mind.

_"So," Luhan said as he took a seat next to him. This time they opted for a much less fancy restaurant for lunch. "What do you think of Taeyong?"_

_Jaehyun's heart started drumming way too loudly. He felt blood rush to his face and ears, a sudden heat took over his entire body._

_"What?" He looked around, hoping for Taeyong to not walk in on them talking about him._

_Luhan let out a sharp sigh through his nose. "I asked, what do you think of Jin?”_

_The question and how his body reacted to it, made him more or less- confused. In the span for 9 months, Jaehyun had gotten to know the older man in more ways than one. To him, narrowing down Taeyong 's wisdom, celestial beauty, humour, little random fits of anger, the pronounced passion, gentleness and compassion of his character seeping through his entire being was like asking him to pass a rod through a needle hole. The question emanated a world of words within him itching to be let out, all of them about how wonderful Taeyong is. But all he could manage to say is, "He's nice." As if that would suffice._

_Luhan drowned himself into the couch but immediately sat up a second later. “I’m really not asking for much here.” Jaehyun tried to correct him but before he could, Luhan cut him off. “Anything. Just think of anything about him or related to him and say whatever comes to your mind.”_ __  
  


_Jaehyun wished it was that easy for him to devote words slithering with affection for Taeyong , but what’s the point. No matter how hard he tried, anything he said would come out as bland and monotonous, as if he didn’t know Taeyong at all. But he does._

_He knew Taeyong doesn’t like coffee of any kind; that trilogies don’t make sense to him; he can hear the sound Taeyong made every time he ate, before he even took a bite, and he knew so much more that if he went on stating every detail he had noticed about Taeyong in the last year he might never be able to pull himself out of his head and forever be left in his thoughts._ __  
  


_He wanted to say something but nothing came out. It made his stomach heave into absence again and made his heart drum harder in his chest._ __  
He has been staring at Luhan ever since the man put the question mark between them. The look on his face made Jaehyun’s conscience freeze the thoughts inside his head. He was looking at Jaehyun with an expectant look; like answering this, or anything related to Taeyong should come easy to him. But it doesn’t. Nothing does.  
  


_Baring almost no patience, Luhan tried to disappear into the couch again. Minutes passed between them but neither took note of that, the stillness of their words and actions kept them occupied. With every quarter of the hour, Luhan made a miserable attempt to actually disappear into the couch by sinking into it completely._ __  
  
“I think.” Jaehyun stared at the tiny salt and pepper shakers placed in the centre of the rosewood table. He noted the salt shaker is bigger than the _pepper one. Jaehyun didn’t feel any movement next to him. He assumed that Luhan hasn’t moved from his position, not wanting to alarm the younger boy in any way._

 _“I think,” Jaehyun said again, “that he’s a product of everything good in this world.”_ __  
  


_The stillness diminished away while neither of them said a word. When more than a few seconds passed by and Luhan hadn’t said anything, Jaehyun turned to look at the older man. He was crying._ __  
  


_Jaehyun, not knowing what the situation asked of him, just stared at Luhan. The older man reached out and rested his hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder and squeezed it lightly while blessing him with a smile._ __  
  


_“I think so, too.”_ __  
  
“HEY, HEY, HEY!” Taeyong half yelled at them while taking his place in front of Jaehyun, “Ma’ cherries, I’m so sorry I’m late.”  
  


_His presence put a halt between whatever exchange was happening between Jaehyun and Luhan._ __  
Out of the corner of his eye, Jaehyun caught Luhan burying his face in his oversized sleeve.  
  


_“Jaehyun,” Taeyong said. “Why is Luhan crying?”_

_“It’s nothing, I was just reminding Lu-ge that John Green is boring.”_ __  
  


_Taeyong widened his eyes. “You were bullying him?” He asked with disbelief apparent in his voice. “Without me being here to actually witness it? How cruel!”_ __  
  


_“I deserve better,” Luhan mumbled into his sleeve._ __  
  


_“So do John Green’s characters,” Jaehyun said._ __  
  
Taeyong ’s laugh pulled him into a space where his entire being turned into nothingness; all his knowledge left him, his mind cleared space for him to take in new details about Taeyong . For the next few hours, he stayed mute, eyes fixed on the centre of his universe.   
  


Jaehyun’s back feels stiff pressed against the cold mirror. He keeps his eyes shut and prays that no one will walk in and see him like this. Obscurity lingers in the air and Jaehyun thinks of every event that led him here. His faithful encounter with Taeyong that had taken place over a decade ago was still as fresh in his mind as the water stains on the collar of his shirt.

How different would his life have actually been if he hadn’t met Taeyong ? Would it have been someone else instead of Taeyong ? Would he have just end up pushing them away with no knowledge of how his actions prompted their departure?

The back of Jaehyun’s scalp hits the mirror again, causing a disruption in the deafening silence.

**10 years.**

He has known Taeyong for 10 years. How did a decade pass by in an instant?

How long has he spent threading traces of normalcy back together since Taeyong left him?

Regret seeps through him –he has wasted a decade making memories that have become nothing but a constant source of anguish for him.

Jaehyun’s hand loosely hangs near the oval shaped sink. He lightly traces the marble counter with his other hand. Jaehyun stays there till he hits a dead end with his thoughts. The raven-haired man lowers his head a little and presses it against the palm of his hand, trying to nurse a minor headache. A light creak catches his attention and his gaze land on the entrance door. He turns with a sharp look but his face softens immediately once he registers the pink hair. Yuta’s head peeks through the little space, one hand lost behind the door and the other lightly clutching a water bottle. He stands there awkwardly for a few seconds; jaw clenched accompanied by a stiff posture. The lost look on his face makes Jaehyun smile. He looks rather _cute_.

“Hey,” Yuta says while staring at the marble floor. “I thought you left.”

“I didn’t,” Jaehyun says, his voice hoarse.

“You didn’t come out and it’s been 20 minutes and Luhan-hyung was getting worried so he forced me- wait, no, he didn’t force me he just persisted but I agreed—”

“Yuta-ssi,” Jaehyun says, amusement obvious in his tone. “What did Lu-ge force you to do?”

This time, Yuta looks up with a twitch of anxiety visible in his eyes. Yuta actually looking at him while conversing is a rare, _rare_ encounter. “He didn’t force he just persisted—”

Jaehyun lightly chuckles. “I know, I’m kidding.”

Something light erupts in Jaehyun’s stomach. He concludes it as hunger. Yuta steps inside the washroom, his other hand carrying a small plate of something. Jaehyun’s gaze immediately land on that.

“Hyung sent this.” Yuta places the water bottle on the counter next to Jaehyuns thighs. “And this.” He hands the plate to Jaehyun.

Jaehyun stares at the platter of min appetizers for a few seconds.

“Luhan-hyung said that if you’re going to drink more you should eat,” Yuta says while rubbing the back of his neck.

“Do you really think this is the most hygienic place to _eat_?” Jaehyun says.

“Well,” Yuta says, “considering the atmosphere outside, I would say yes. This is currently the cleanest place to eat. Even breathe, for that matter.”

Jaehyun nods understandingly. “Tell hyung I said thank you.”

Yuta graces him with a sweet smile. “I will.”

He has one foot out the door when he speaks up again.“Jaehyun-ssi.” Yuta turns. “Avoid the red sauce. It’s really spice.”

Jaehyun looks at the tiny bowl holding the sauce. “Ah, thank you, I can’t eat—”

“Spicy food, I know. You’re welcome for the warning.”

It’s when Yuta’s presence is far away from him and he’s eaten everything on the platter, he realizes he has never told Yuta he can’t eat spicy food.

“You’re still here,” Luhan says, a little too loudly.

Jaehyun positions himself on the bar stool in front of Luhan. He speaks up when he’s seated and comfortable. “Yes. Didn’t Yuta tell you that?”

“How would Yuta know you’re still here?”

Jaehyun opens his mouth to speak but closes it when Yuta comes in sight.

“That guy sent this for you,” Yuta mumbles, while placing a tulip shaped glass in front of Jaehyun, then points at a pretty man seated on the other side of the bar.

“It’s an open bar,” Luhan says.

“Go tell him that,” Yuta passes Luhan a disgusted look before leaving.

“Yah,” Luhan calls after him. “That’s not how you talk to someone who raised you!”

Jaehyun watches the exchange with careful eyes. “Why is Yuta-ssi upset? Did you say something to him?”

“I said a lot of things to him, be more specific. What did I say to him about what?”

Jaehyun huffs. “You should go apologize.”

Luhan shamelessly disregards his advice. Instead, he lifts the merlot Jaehyun received from the pretty guy who probably doesn’t realize that drinks from an open bar can’t be used as a pick up and drowns it down the sink.

“What are you doing?” Jaehyun asks, oddly unbothered by Luhan’s action.

“Pretty guys who are dumb are not worth 0.01% of your attention.”

Jaehyun smiles.

“Also, you haven’t eaten. You’re not drinking anything till you’ve eaten something. Wait here.”

The blond haired man leaves before Jaehyun can utter a word. Didn’t Luhan send food for him through Yuta a few minutes ago? He blinks several times to make sense of what’s happening.

He looks up, eyes searching for a tall man with a bush of cherry blossom on top of his head. He finds Yuta on the other side of the bar, juggling bottles the way bartenders do. When he’s done, he looks at Jaehyun, they make eye contact for a moment that feels like a movementTill Luhan blocks his view. The sudden loss of intangible contact makes Jaehyun feel cold. He doesn’t understand why.

He doesn’t understand why he feels as though he has lost something grave.

“Still can’t hold your liquor,” Luhan states.

“I can,” Jaehyun says, trying to hold in hiccups.

“It wasn’t a question, dumbass.”

Jaehyun lifts his head from the counter. The bar is mostly empty apart from a few old men drinking away their loneliness. The party has almost died down but the music hasn’t.

“I can hold my liquor.” Jaehyun points a finger at Luhan.

“Then explain that tantrum you just threw earlier.”

“That wasn’t instigated by alcohol and no one saw it. So it—”

“I did,” Luhan places a hand on his chest. “Yuta did.” He points at the young man handling the other side of the egg shell. “And I’m sure a few supernatural beings floating through the air took notice, too.”

Jaehyun doesn’t respond to that. Instead, goes back to resting his head on the cold counter.

“He came by a few seconds ago,” Luhan says.

Jaehyun hates the implication that he’s not strong enough to even listen to Taeyong ’s name out loud. But it’s true. He wants to question Luhan – why did he lie to him about Taeyong being away? He could’ve prepared himself for the off chance of running into him.

“When you were in the washroom. He saw you before you left, I told him I had no idea where you were.”

There’s a sense of defeat in the way Luhan speaks about Taeyong with him but for Jaehyun, that answers his curiosity.

“Is that guilt in your tone or are you being sarcastic?” Jaehyun asks.

“Guilt.”

“Aren’t you his friend first?”

“We’re not in middle school, but yeah I am. That’s why I feel guilty.”

Jaehyun quirks a brow.

“Jaehyun, I’m sorry I—”

“You don’t have to apologize, Lu-ge, we’re not in middle school.” Jaehyun smiles at him.

A smile blooms on Luhan’s face.

This is their truce.

“You make a fair point, though, Lu-ge.” Luhan looks at him while clearing the counter, “I should go before I do something- well, before the alcohol makes me do something.”

Jaehyun makes the motion to get up before Luhan can interject.

Taeyong does for him.

“You’re leaving already?”

Jaehyun’s entire body runs cold, his reflection in the marble counter tells him he looks paler. Taeyong s voice startles Jaehyun. In the hope that this is some horrible scenario being played out in his head, Jaehyun turns just slightly to his left. As his luck would have it, it’s real. Taeyong , with his stoic posture and a personality so indifferent to his looks, is here standing next to him. His entire body burns under Taeyong s gaze.

Jaehyun is bit awestruck but he does his best to hide it. “Hi.”

Taeyong graces him with a gentle smile. “Hi.”

Jaehyun blinks several times to recall Taeyong ’s previous query. “Yeah, it’s getting late.”

“It’s 11 pm,” Taeyong says, brashly.

Jaehyun doesn’t know how to reply to that. He opts for a weak chuckle.

Taeyong maintains his gentle smile. “How have you been?”

“Empty as ever. You?”

Jaehyun’s comment sweeps off the smile on Taeyong ’s face. “I’m goo—”

“There you are.”

Three pairs of eyes turn to look at an dark haired man. Jaehyun can’t tell what’s brighter, his smile or his hair. “You left me to fend for myself among a bunch of 60 year olds. I will never forgive you.” He jabs an accusatory finger at Taeyong ’s chest.

Taeyong laughs for a brief moment before his surroundings hit him. His gaze flicks between Jaehyun and Luhan and returns to the orange haired man.

“Uh.” Taeyong clears his throat. “This is Jung Jaehyun and you know Luhan.”

“I do, I do, how’ve you been, hyung?” The man says rather enthusiastically.

Luhan passes him a pressed smile and nods.

The man extends a hand toward Jaehyun. “Hello, I’m Seo Johnny .”

It’s as if the blood in both of Jaehyun’s arms has been drained, because he can’t seem to move. A sudden nudge by Luhan restores the movement in his body.

Jaehyun somehow lifts his hand and shakes Johnny ’s. He tries to dim down the awkwardness with a smile and a compliment.

“You have nice hair,” Jaehyun says.

Johnny breaks into a fit of, what Jaehyun believes to be, an over exaggerated laughter. “Thank you.”

Jaehyun smiles but his smile dies when he looks at Taeyong . He’s staring at Johnny with this look in his eyes. Their arms are hooked together.

When did that happen?

A second ago, the space next to Taeyong was empty and Jaehyun didn’t taste something vile on his tongue. There’s a spark in Taeyong ’s eyes which has replaced the profound hope Jaehyun saw when he met Taeyong year ago, when he was on military break. They had tired, to give it another shot. But Jaehyun already knew that they couldn’t be around each other like how they used be.

The implication had hurt. The mere thought, that even though he loved Taeyong but he couldn’t have him, had filled him with subdued grief.

But Jaehyun had prepared himself for this very moment, to mourn over the loss of a loved one who was still alive and an arm’s length away from him.

Every time Taeyong had looked at him with that much hope, it made oil run through Jaehyun’s veins – he had never felt so helpless.

Over a decade ago, Taeyong had confused Jaehyun’s emotional disability with him as just being naïve. Later, when Jaehyun kept making the same mistakes, Taeyong assumed it was inexperience. But it wasn’t either of them. It took Taeyong 5 years and Jaehyun 27 to realize that his ability to feel wasn’t, and still isn’t, like everyone else’s. Jaehyun’s acts of affection didn’t even meet the roots of the mountain of affection Taeyong had built. When this revelation finally heaved to their consciousness, neither of them knew what to do about it. It dug a gap without them even realizing.

Everything from that point on has led them to this state of obscurity – ten years and they’ve suddenly forgotten how to act around each other.

Jaehyun notices a prominent spark in Taeyong ’s eyes that hits him with a sudden revelation about their love – it was _incomplete_. Not because they didn't care for each other, but because Taeyong deserved better.

Better than him and everyone else.

While Taeyong could write paragraphs and paragraphs on what he felt for him, Jaehyun's conscious made it abstruse for him to even utter a word of affection. Their inabilities had robbed both of them of years of normalcy.

Jaehyun feels contentment settling inside him; there’s no rage.

This is what Taeyong deserves – normal love laced with trust and subjectivity.

Not him.

Jaehyun hopes for things to end well for Taeyong this time because tenderness is what he is entitled to.

He smiles, not because he’s obligated to, but because he wants to. When Johnny turns to talk to Luhan, Jaehyun takes the opportunity at hand and lightly places a hand on Taeyong ’s shoulder.

Taeyong turns his face towards him. There’s something lingering between them and it takes every fibre of self-control for Jaehyun to ignore it.

“Does he make you happy?” Jaehyun’s voice barely above a whisper.

Taeyong tenses under Jaehyun’s gaze. He lightly nods.

A small smile breaks out on Jaehyun’s face and the look of astonishment mixed with relief on Taeyong ’s face make him laugh. Jaehyun tenderly shakes Taeyong ’s shoulder.

“That’s good. But if he does something stupid, you have my number. I built a lot of muscle during my service.” Jaehyun winks.

Taeyong laughs and that’s all the comfort Jaehyun needs. For now, at least. Somewhere between their light hearted exchanges, a pink haired man breaks a wine glass. Jaehyun watches him with genuine delight; Yuta’s clumsiness adds onto his adorable features – chaotic beauty, Jaehyun had always been attracted to that.

When Taeyong and Johnny bid both of them goodbye, Jaehyun turns to Luhan.

“Thank you.”

Luhan looks at him with eyes wide with shock. “You’re not mad at me?”

Jaehyun shakes his head. “I could never be.”

Luhan stays mute for about a second before he leaves Jaehyun by himself. Jaehyun watches the older man tend to his job. The forethought of his departure has vanished into thin air. He looks around and takes in his reality for what it is, what it has always been.

Money.

Estrangement.

And immortal alienation.

He considers leaving again but before he convinces himself, his thoughts are interrupted by a deep voice. He turns to his left and a man is standing next to him pointing at an empty stool. Jaehyun loses his conscious to odd details about the man; his hair look like a gray cloud before rain, his left ear is bearing the weight of a long one-piece silver earring; his suit fits him loosely and he’s wearing a silk polka dot shirt underneath his coat.

The man waves his hand in front of Jaehyun’s face and Jaehyun is, sadly, pulled out of his trance.

“I’m sorry, did you say something?”Jaehyun asks.

“Yes, I asked whether this seat was taken or not?”

Jaehyun looks at the seat then at the man. “No, it’s not.”

The man quietly takes place next to him and a second later he startles Jaehyun with his deep voice. “I’m Kim Jungwoo, by the way.”

“Jung Jaehyun.”

A familiar awkwardness falls between them and Jaehyun takes another sip of his drink before nostalgia clouds his judgment. He catches the man stealing minute long glances at him. Jaehyun smirks but stays mute nonetheless. He recognizes him from earlier.

‘What are you having over there?” Jungwoo asks.

If it weren’t for the close proximity they’re sitting in, Jaehyun would’ve lost Jungwoo’s voice to the obscure music and overly loud conversations. Jaehyun lifts his glass and turns toward Jungwoo.

“Not merlot.” Jaehyun winks. “It’s peach juice with rum.”

Jungwoo makes an affirmative noise. “I’ve never really liked that combo. You can’t really feel the acid-like burn of alcohol.”

Jaehyun quirks his brow. “Then what do you like?”

“Pink champagne.”

“I’ve never had it.”

Jungwoo clutches the collar of his shirt while letting out an overly exaggerated gasp. “So, this is what the dark side looks like, devoid of happiness and pretty champagne?”

Jaehyun laughs.

“Come on”, Jungwoo says, “I’m going to show you how to actually live like a rich person.”

Jaehyun watches Jungwoo call Yuta and order drinks for them. If anyone asks, Jaehyun doesn’t notice Yuta’s posture stiff a little, he doesn’t acknowledge decade long memories crawling their way back to his conscious, he doesn’t notice a shift in the air. All his conscious takes in is Jungwoo inching his stool closer to him and gently pushing the champagne glass toward him.

Jaehyun picks it up from the counter and rests the rim on his lower lip and takes a sip.

“So, what do you think?” Jungwoo asks.

Jaehyun smiles at Jungwoo. “I can’t believe I missed out on this my whole life.”

Before anything else can happen, a voice calls for Jaehyun.

“A cab is waiting for you outside,” Yuta says loudly.

“Oh, are you leaving?” Jungwoo turns to Jaehyun with over-exaggerated shock.

Jaehyun’s gaze flicks between Jungwoo and Yuta. He doesn’t know what it is but there’s a threat in Yuta’s eyes. The bubbles of delirium come back and Jaehyun wants to lock this feeling inside his body so it never leaves. His gaze lands on the clock on the pillar behind Yuta.

“Yeah, it’s past midnight already,” Jaehyun says.

Jungwoo pouts. “Well, it was nice meeting you. Maybe we should do this—”

“The cab won’t wait too long, Jaehyun-ssi. I’ll walk you out,” Yuta says.

He doesn’t wait for an answer, or maybe it was a rhetorical question, but Yuta is already outside the egg shell, swinging Jaehyun’s arm around his neck and lifting him up from the golden stool.

There is indeed a cab waiting outside for Jaehyun but he has no memory of calling or asking for one. He stares at Yuta and doesn’t stop even when they reach the cab. Yuta opens the cab door for him before tapping on the driver's door. “J.W. Marriott, Dongdaemun Square, Seoul,” he says.

Jaehyun places a hand on the open cab door. “I don’t remember telling you—”

“Luhanhyung told me. Get in.” Yuta nudges Jaehyun lightly.

Jaehyun doesn’t move. He stays still and so does Yuta. They stand there, waiting for the other to say something. A moment feels like a movement. Yuta’s hand is holding Jaehyun’s right arm to keep from falling. It isn’t helping much because Jaehyun can feel himself falling but not physically. They’ve been following the same routine for past month and a half; Yuta calls him a cab without asking him, always making sure he got in the cab safe. But tonight, something is different. Jaehyun fears that if he stays quite for another night, he’ll lose something. So he says the first thing that comes to his mind.

“Aren’t you going to ask me to text you when I get home?” Jaehyun asks, voice barely above a whisper and eyes bleary. “To make sure I got home safe.”

“You don’t have my number.” Yuta’s gaze stays fixated on the concrete.

Jaehyun takes off his coat in one smooth motion, folds his right sleeve and presents his bare arm to Yuta.

“Then give me your number.”

Yuta’s gaze flicks between Jaehyun’s face and his arm.

“I don’t have a pen,” Yuta says timidly.

“Uh, I don’t mean to ruin the moment, but,” a voice says. Both men immediately turn their attention to the taxi driver who is holding out a pen. “I have one.”

Yuta rushes to take the pen from him and quickly scribbles his name and number on Jaehyun’s bare arm. The taxi driver flashes him a dimple smile when Yuta returns the pen to him.

Jaehyun shuts the cab door and reaches for Yuta through the open window. They hold hands for a brief moment

“Call me when you get home,” Yuta says.

“I will.”

Neither let go. Was it a moment or an eternity? Jaehyun can’t tell the difference, anyway. They stay like that, eyes, hands, and hearts locked with each other.

When he is halfway home, he can still feel Yuta’s touch. Fleeting moments of the evening reel in his head. All he can remember is alcohol and cherry blossom hair. Jaehyun starts smiling before he can stop himself. He brushes his hand over his arm.

Jaehyun concludes that despair is like gloom –it’s heavy and unsettling, but never persistent.

Clouds have to move away to let the sun have a peak at life. With the wind passing through his hair, ambiguity reigning through his veins, and tears in his eyes, he feels something profound coursing through him – hope.

Sometimes something happens, or _someone_ happens, and our perspective of life completely changes. We feel as though a tremendous part of our innocence has been murdered by the universe’s brutal bullet. We latch onto anything and everything that will bring back some sort of normalcy but it never works. For the universe is generous with both kindness and bitterness, reminding us with each guilt ridden breath that we can’t undo change. The pieces left of us, our innocence, are all we have. To carry or not, is our choice.

Maybe Yuta will turn away the same way Taeyong did, maybe he will stay, or maybe nothing will happen between them. But this time, Jaehyun is more aware of his conscience. He knows that beyond the level of superficiality, even if he considers himself corrupted, he’s lovable.

And the presence of a being, apart from his own self, isn’t necessary for him to understand that. He has wholly accepted that he is an embodiment of regrets, mistakes, and everything bad left behind.

It’s time for a change.

A change he has been dreading to accept ever since Taeyong left him. That he is something more than his inabilities.

Life is nothing but a spiral of unwanted experiences. We get tied into relationships without our knowledge. Pain blossoms and we always succumb to the only feeble apology we have; we had no control.

Jaehyun would like to believe that he does have control. He does have a say in how his life takes course. Like the seasons, he’ll accept change as if it’s the most mundane thing. He will let himself experience growth – he won’t let his past decide his future.

For now, Jaehyun knows he is not alone. The universe is with him, the sun will rise to watch over him every day, the moon will follow his steps, and the wind will make sure that silence will never haunt him.


End file.
